How to detect a zombie

By Sandra and C├ęsar

The difference is subtle. If you can't spot it, you're fucked.

  1. A zombie will stink (though if your classmate didn't shower this step will be useless).
  2. A zed will be really really really really, really really, REALLY stupid.
  3. A zombie will have pieces of decomposing meat hanging from its face (if it got a sunburn you may be mistaken)
  4. A zombie may act like he loves you, but beware, this be trickery, he only loves your brain.
  5. A zombie will eat like a drunk baby.

How to stop a zombie

So zombies got you. Life must hate you.

  1. Do NOT try to hug a zombie. This be trickery. It will eat you.
  2. Do not try to marry him. That will not help your situation and the zombie you married will become a widower on your honey moon.
  3. If you try to disguise, remember to NOT wear your wedding ring, your dead wife will recognise you and divorce you (possibly with a zombie horde) for going away with a gun.
  4. When the zombie is down, hit it again. I can't stress this enough: if you think it's down, it's not, it'll stand up the minute you look away and fuck you.
  5. Now, the best way to kill a zombie is killing it, if you kill a zombie without killing it you are more stupid than it is.
  6. "Wtf? But zombies are already dead," you say, "so how the fuck am i supposed to kill it again!??" Well. Don't ask me stupid questions. Just do it. Goddamit.
  7. And remember: you don't have to run faster than zombies, you only have to run faster than your friends.
  8. So, have friends.

How to stop the apocalypse in the first place

In the first place, this whole thing happened because YOU didn't stop the apocalypse, so we'll show your intestines how to stop it.

  1. Wash your hands. For crying out loud, man.
  2. If you see a zombie walking on the street, for god's sake, DON'T THINK IT'S A PROP AND WALK AWAY.
  3. Zombie apocalypses are always started by mad scientists. If you know one: smack them in the head. If you ARE one: piss off.
  4. If you are a lifeless teenager who read Frankenstein, good for you, keep your experiments locked up, oh, and don't give them food, they'll eat you, not the spaghetti.